Tag Archives: hopeless

Can you see the light?

My field of vision is blurred. I don’t need glasses or contact lenses; I’m not visually impaired in any sense. I’m losing my grip on reality, retreating further and further into a realm of make-believe. Real life holds no magic for me. There’s very little holding me in ‘this’ world. In many ways, insanity would be blessing. Instead, I resort to books, films and writing.

The more shit the world throws at me, the further I want to burrow. I’m a serial ostrich, finding solace with my head deep in the ground. But the real world seeks me out. It claws its way into my subconscious, leaving me to deal with restless nights of vividly disturbing dreams. Unsettled sleep, no work, bills to pay, and feeling as if I’ve lost my way leaving me as a somewhat emotional wreck.

On many occasions, I manage just fine. I keep myself busy and occupied organising other things. Throwing myself into group activities and conversations but, when approached, I can sense that feeling bubbling under the surface. The smallest thing can set me off, which is usually when I’m forced to face reality again.

The reality is I’m a lost soul. I’m stuck in that middle ground of someone who seemed to take the wrong path; I picked the other door and I’m still stumbling down an avenue fraught with yet more obstacles. How did I lose my way? I was a good kid at school. I was academic, conscientious, polite… I hit college and I had split responsibilities. I wanted to do well but I needed to support my family too. My control was slipping, and I opted for work over university.

Maybe that wouldn’t have made a difference. Maybe I’d have lost my way anyway. But it feels like that’s where it went wrong. I worked three jobs as well as doing an NVQ (which seems to be useless now). Now that I want to find my way on a career path I can feel enthused by, there seems to be nothing out there for people like me. On paper, I look unqualified. I lack experience, despite the many jobs I’ve had. I can’t even seem to change track – I’m stuck, and without work, losing motivation fast.

How do you stay optimistic when every time you summon the energy to persevere despite the odds, the world shits on you again?

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A selfish way to go.

I arrived in town this morning after a night shift to find that my morning train had been cancelled. I was forced to wait around for over an hour for another train, only to find that this was cancelled last minute too. Upon approaching the information booth, I discovered that the reason for this was a “fatality” in the area near to my home.

I guess the ‘normal’ reaction would be to feel remorse, or at least sympathy for the victim. But I was pissed off. My first thought was: “How the hell am I going to get home?” I became increasingly more irritated the more I thought about it. How someone can put others at risk, inconvenience so many people, etc… I couldn’t shake that thought out of my head, that if you were going to kill yourself, why would you do it in such a public fashion?

This probably isn’t something people tend to think much of, and you should probably seek help if you do, but I kept thinking: “If it were me…” And I know I’d be thinking of my family, or a few friends, or even that stranger that might be affected by me getting in the way. But maybe that’s just me. Or maybe I’m just not genuinely suicidal.

I’m sure if you really believe that noone cares about you (including those people that are prepared to spend so much time talking to you, trying to support you, being there for you, and will cry over your loss), then it probably doesn’t matter where you go. Maybe you’d just want people to talk about you.

I spoke to a colleague at work, and her reaction was: “Hey, I’d want to take as many people as I could down with me! A ‘let’s piss off as many people as I can before I go’ type of attitude.” I began to see where she might be coming from. if you intended to die, why would you want to consider anyone else’s feelings? What does it matter to you if you hurt, or inconvenience anyone?

But don’t most people who feel suicidal believe that noone cares about them? How can this be true when those people are desperately trying to convince you not to. I’m not saying that some people don’t feel genuinely hopeless, but there are many that seem purely impulsive and reckless. And it’s these people that really get on my nerves. They throw themselves off bridges onto busy roads, onto train tracks, out of buildings… without a backwards glance, or without seemingly even stopping to think how they may affect others. Like who they may kill, injure, emotionally hurt, or mentally scar when they find the body.

So, that’s my rant of the day: Suicide is one of the most selfish ways to go. DISCUSS.

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The Daily Grind

That viscious cycle of working to live; day in, day out, having to drag your arse out of the comfort of your home and make that laborious journey to work. A place where, no doubt, many of us hate. It may not have always been that way, but somehow or other it ends up that way. And the longer you’re there, the more hopeless and helpless you feel. That proverbial feeling of entrapment.

I thought I’d beat the system by switching to flexi-time. I pick and choose when I want to work, and where. Turns out the downside to this is that there are no obligations. That is, no obligations for them or me. I can choose not to work at all. They can choose not to book me in at all. Or they can cancel shifts if they no longer need me.

So, it’s great for a while when I’m in control of the where and whens, but when I actually want to eat and pay the bills, I’d like those shifts to be available. So, technically, they are in control because they still have the power to say “no”.

How do we win some of that control back, whilst still being able to earn money to live and enjoy life with? I’d say go for a vocation you truly want to be in, though that too costs money. Money you need to earn from a job you can’t stand and, in my case, don’t always have work for you. It’s even become almost impossible to switch tracks once you’re in one sector – you don’t fit the requirements, and it’s an employer’s paradise when they have the luxury of being able to be incredibly selective, due to the lack of jobs available.

There are numerous online guides about making money, but the majority are most definitely scams. Or a waste of time. Like all these surveys and adclick sites that supposedly pay when you get involved. I’m sure they do pay, but at the expense of a ridiculous amount of your time, and brain cells.

I’ve heard prostitutes are poorly paid, and very low on the job satisfaction scale. Just as I’m sure there isn’t much in the worth of a soul these days either. Even medical trials – are they really worth the risk?

So what do the blackhole folk do? We all have dreams, but what if these dreams require money we don’t have to get them off the ground? The experience we keep getting told we need, but no one will allow us to acquire (even when we’re trying to give ourselves away) is an equally demoralising situation.

I have no answers to these questions, I wish that I did. I even attempted to sign up to one of those freelance writer’s sites but it would seem my editing skills aren’t up to par as my application was rejected. Yes, a very hapless and hopeless situation it is. Is there anyway to ever escape this ratrace?

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