Can you see the light?

My field of vision is blurred. I don’t need glasses or contact lenses; I’m not visually impaired in any sense. I’m losing my grip on reality, retreating further and further into a realm of make-believe. Real life holds no magic for me. There’s very little holding me in ‘this’ world. In many ways, insanity would be blessing. Instead, I resort to books, films and writing.

The more shit the world throws at me, the further I want to burrow. I’m a serial ostrich, finding solace with my head deep in the ground. But the real world seeks me out. It claws its way into my subconscious, leaving me to deal with restless nights of vividly disturbing dreams. Unsettled sleep, no work, bills to pay, and feeling as if I’ve lost my way leaving me as a somewhat emotional wreck.

On many occasions, I manage just fine. I keep myself busy and occupied organising other things. Throwing myself into group activities and conversations but, when approached, I can sense that feeling bubbling under the surface. The smallest thing can set me off, which is usually when I’m forced to face reality again.

The reality is I’m a lost soul. I’m stuck in that middle ground of someone who seemed to take the wrong path; I picked the other door and I’m still stumbling down an avenue fraught with yet more obstacles. How did I lose my way? I was a good kid at school. I was academic, conscientious, polite… I hit college and I had split responsibilities. I wanted to do well but I needed to support my family too. My control was slipping, and I opted for work over university.

Maybe that wouldn’t have made a difference. Maybe I’d have lost my way anyway. But it feels like that’s where it went wrong. I worked three jobs as well as doing an NVQ (which seems to be useless now). Now that I want to find my way on a career path I can feel enthused by, there seems to be nothing out there for people like me. On paper, I look unqualified. I lack experience, despite the many jobs I’ve had. I can’t even seem to change track – I’m stuck, and without work, losing motivation fast.

How do you stay optimistic when every time you summon the energy to persevere despite the odds, the world shits on you again?


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