A selfish way to go.

I arrived in town this morning after a night shift to find that my morning train had been cancelled. I was forced to wait around for over an hour for another train, only to find that this was cancelled last minute too. Upon approaching the information booth, I discovered that the reason for this was a “fatality” in the area near to my home.

I guess the ‘normal’ reaction would be to feel remorse, or at least sympathy for the victim. But I was pissed off. My first thought was: “How the hell am I going to get home?” I became increasingly more irritated the more I thought about it. How someone can put others at risk, inconvenience so many people, etc… I couldn’t shake that thought out of my head, that if you were going to kill yourself, why would you do it in such a public fashion?

This probably isn’t something people tend to think much of, and you should probably seek help if you do, but I kept thinking: “If it were me…” And I know I’d be thinking of my family, or a few friends, or even that stranger that might be affected by me getting in the way. But maybe that’s just me. Or maybe I’m just not genuinely suicidal.

I’m sure if you really believe that noone cares about you (including those people that are prepared to spend so much time talking to you, trying to support you, being there for you, and will cry over your loss), then it probably doesn’t matter where you go. Maybe you’d just want people to talk about you.

I spoke to a colleague at work, and her reaction was: “Hey, I’d want to take as many people as I could down with me! A ‘let’s piss off as many people as I can before I go’ type of attitude.” I began to see where she might be coming from. if you intended to die, why would you want to consider anyone else’s feelings? What does it matter to you if you hurt, or inconvenience anyone?

But don’t most people who feel suicidal believe that noone cares about them? How can this be true when those people are desperately trying to convince you not to. I’m not saying that some people don’t feel genuinely hopeless, but there are many that seem purely impulsive and reckless. And it’s these people that really get on my nerves. They throw themselves off bridges onto busy roads, onto train tracks, out of buildings… without a backwards glance, or without seemingly even stopping to think how they may affect others. Like who they may kill, injure, emotionally hurt, or mentally scar when they find the body.

So, that’s my rant of the day: Suicide is one of the most selfish ways to go. DISCUSS.

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8 Comments

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8 responses to “A selfish way to go.

  1. I could never understand all the fuss about Sylvia Plath, the mythology of her suicide: so she left some food for the kids and blocked the bottom of the door – what a great mother. Not.

    Yes suicide is selfish, but it is also a last, desperate act from someone who feels they have nowhere else to go. Nothing is black and white.

    • Oh yes, I’m very much aware it’s not black and white. The reasons for suicide, or suicidal ideation, needs to be tackled and challenged. But, using Sylvia as the example, what of her kids? Like you said, she appeared to be thinking of them. And yet it would have been easy enough for them to find her like that. How traumatic would that be for the kids? Or what if someone had lit a candle/cig/caused a spark? Then it would have killed her kids too.

  2. catherinelumb

    Interesting post – Having been depressed at one time in my life, I have to admit, when I came through the other side (which I may not have done had it not been for some very good friends) I realised just how self-obsessed and selfish depression is. You get so caught up in your own drama that you forget everyone else. It;s very difficult to get out of it – and if you come to this realisation too early (when you’re still in the depths of the depression) it just makes you feel worse…hence suicide, I guess.
    It’s hard to know what anyone’s reasoning is who attempts, or succeeds, to take their own life. Everyone is different.

    • I haven’t personally attempted suicide, but I have relatives and friends who have. Depression and anxiety also seems to run in my family, from my dad’s side. But it baffles me when you talk to them about it. They’ll say things like: “I just couldn’t cope with the stress!” You ask what stress they were struggling with, and there seems to be a blank expression. Or something seemingly trivial, like family arguments.

      Trying to get through to them that arguments aren’t he end of the world doesn’t seem to help. The people I’ve met in this category are often very well-to-do, and it makes no sense. Particularly if you read about POW camp survivors, victims of abuse, poverty, natural disasters… puts everything in perspective, in my eyes.

  3. Suicide is not only selfish i think its also cowardly some setbacks in life doesn’t entitle anyone to give up on life.life is a greatest gift we could ever receive why would anyone want to part with it i simply don’t and never have understood .

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